Breaking up is SO very hard to do

It's not been an easy 4 months.

I've made some tough, truly non-returnable decisions in my time, but this has been my Nemesis.

One man, twelve years.

It's a very long time, and it's been mostly happy. Lots of very good times. Probably the best of my life really.

It's just not been able to meet certain needs, that's all. Neither of us has grown through it as I feel we should have. And only one of us insists they are content.

The other one is me.

What do you do when the truest, most honest man you are ever likely to meet, just isn't enough of a challenge? What if he's happy to never question your motives and stand points, but follow your shots in the dark? How do you end that relationship, without having to give up the parts of someone that you love with all your heart? It's having to lose a friend. That is the hardest part of all.

It's taken 4 months to finalise all of this, after I asked him to move out in the summer. Four months we've been hanging in limbo. I just had to put a stop to that.

I don't know if there was any real hope of sorting things out when I agreed back then to still stay effectively together but live apart, but I wanted there to be. I would never had asked him to go if I'd felt we really had any alternatives, and it hadn't been my plan to stay together. I was ending it back then. I thought for a while though, that he had really absorbed what I was saying and would act on it this time.

He didn't, sadly.

I'd seen no actions to demonstrate what he said he'd taken on board, so recently, for the first time in our relationship, I actually asked him to make a promise that he would take steps to help me move things forward, by finding a more sensible place to live. A decent base, where he could experience what it is to have to run his own life, but moreover, somewhere to be comfortable and to call home.
I worry so much about him being in the room he is staying in, where there are no cooking facilities, there's no washing machine, a crumby bathroom and the noisiest neighbours on earth.

He promised, but he has done nothing about it. That was a little over 2 months ago.

This has been the story of my life with him - me always waiting for the bare minimum of action. Always having to be the one to raise uncomfortable issues, suggest the solutions, go through the whole process of making myself heard and understood, just to have zero response.

He has been devoted on so many levels for all these years, and I have no doubt that he loves me very, very much. But I have told him, and I think I'm right in this, that he needs to look inside his heart and ask himself why he has always chosen to do nothing in the face of my concerns. I mean, nothing I have ever asked of him is beyond his capability.

I've got fairly simple needs when it comes right down to it.

One clear example, is that I've asked several times (over many years I hasten to add) that he take more of an active role in the running of the household, in that every single bill has always come out of my account. He has no clue whatsoever how much rent we pay, what the council tax is, the water bill, when they need paying etc. No clue. And I'm tired of being the one to always have to give my brain over to the logistics of it all. Sometimes it would have been nice to be the one just handing over my share and not having to think about it again. Not to be the one queueing in the bank paying the money in. Not to be the one juggling absolutely everything. And I do mean everything.

Insert any scenario you like in here, and apply the above to it.

If it's getting sorted, it's getting sorted by me.
If it's getting covered and dealt with, it's getting covered and dealt with by me.
If it's getting fretted over, it's getting fretted over by me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be your Juggler for this evening! And for all day, every day.

So often I have sat and told myself that I should stop whinging and just be glad that I have a man who loves me, that I can trust, who is sweet and generous and kind.

And I've tried so hard to let this be enough. I've tried 12, committed years hard!

Something is just missing.

Maybe it's missing in me, and all this 'something' will remain an unidentified brain-frying object!

I thought I might feel a sense of relief that at least a decision has been made, but I don't.

I just feel a bit shell-shocked and numb.

I'm dreading the bit where I start to miss him, but I'm trying not to dwell on that too much at the moment. It's one of those 'cross that bridge..' things I guess.

I'm going to try and take something positive from every day, try and untangle the mess in my head, one thing at a time.

I've got great friends, brilliant family, insightful acquaintances, and I hope they'll all let me tap into their resources through all of this. Maybe that way, they'll help me find some new ones of my own.

Sleep has been my friend over the last couple of days. Mother Nature knew what she was doing when she wrote out that prescription. There's only so much thinking a person can do in a day.

I hope he is ok. I love him very much, and it has been unbelievably painful to have to tell him it's over. It's so hard to hear someone say they can't be happy if they are not with you. It's such a big responsibility to carry.

Time will tell I guess, and no amount of pondering and waxing about it is going to change the outcome.

I wonder if we ever really have a whole heart again after people walk off with a piece of it in their pocket?