Walk like an Egyptian

I'm going to Egypt in March.

I am so excited, I just can't cope, to be honest!

My friend has bought an apartment that is metres from the bank of the Nile, and overlooks the Valley of the Kings.

She says it is like stepping back in time, with naked babies and chickens running in the street, and the meat man who hoofs a carcus up on a stand, hacks off bits for his customers, and when it's gone, it's gone.
She says the local women have been so friendly and open, and she can get a smoke off the fishermen! Her neighbour is an Englishman, and to make sure he'd be as helpful as she might need him to be, she took him all the means to brew his own Guiness! Of course, he is suitably thrilled and cannot do enough for the girl.

She's only had 2 Scorpions in the kitchen thus far (ONLY 2!), but she is now well enough prepared and kitted-out, to make short shrift of any newcomers! Christ, I hope she's telling me the truth about that bit!!!

She's an amazing girl is our H.

She was basically left abandoned after 15 years of marriage and a seemingly idyllic life set up in France with her husband.

No shirker or wimp, she upped and left France, and went off to the Isle of Mull, all alone, and did a live-in job at a hotel.

After bumming about abit for a while and coming to terms with her lot, she went to Egypt with her parents for a holiday, and fell in love with the place. She's to'd and fro'd for the last year and ended up buying the apartment.

The rest is history, and she is now living there for as many months of the year as she can cope with the heat. She only went at the beginning of January, and I cannot wait to get out there and share some of her life for week.

Now that it's all booked, I'm going to be day dreaming rather alot, that's for sure!

Pass the smelling salts!

I am in utter shock...........................

I have just gone through getting half a dozen quotes for insurance for The Boy, so that he can make use of the car that he has now owned for 9 months, and has waited so patiently to drive.

I cannot believe the figures that are flashing up before my eyes.

Thus far, I have prices ranging from £1,779.000 to £3,542.00!! I mean they throw in a courtesy car for this last astronomical sum of money, but I'd want the lad chauffeured around with a back seat full of bee-hutches for that kind of dosh!

This is no fancy car we are talking about here; it's an 8 year old, 1000cc Polo. Tidy, but no modifications, no fat wheels or window shaking exhausts.

In fact, up until I got the Smart, it was his mum's car!!

While I realise that there has to be some kind of balance applied for the group of drivers that we are told cause the most problems, there are quite literally tens of thousands of young men out there, who simply want to get from A to B in the same manner the rest of us do.

I really think it is an unnecessary discrimination, that apparently does not work as any kind of detterrent to those who would speed around the streets like fucking maniacs, as they are still the ones apparently causing the problems.
I see many young men in the sixth form, going to the local boys school in their cars, and it seems to me that they are doing ok with the whole responsibility of it all.

Surely the kind of person you are should play it's part in this matter.

I think it's highly telling and very relevant if a young man is working or still studying at school, or is unemployed and not in education, if he is part of clubs or sports teams, whether he has a criminal record or not.

We're all given statistics to dwell on about what makes a person more likely to be a good citizen and what doesn't, so why can this not apply to the simple process of learning to drive?

I'm not saying it should be simple to get a no claims bonus; that should be hard earned. But it's ridiculous and really very unfair to put up this exclusion before a chap gets to even try to prove himself.

Ok. Plan B.

This time 17 years ago....

I was in a considerable amount of pain.

My baby was already 14 days late, I'd been in labour for 31 hours and there seemed to be nothing going on but the ever increasing, ever intensifying contractions. Nothing shifting. No baby imminently arriving.

It would be another 18 hours until Charlie made his rather unfussy entrance into the world; a total of 15 days late, and taking 48 hours and 58 minutes of that overtime to be born!

All went swimmingly, but my God, we were both knackered!

He then went on to sleep for the next 10 hours, when the nurses insisted I wake him up to try and get food down him.

I just sat and stared.

He will be 17 tomorrow and I still find myself just wanting to look at him. To take in that face I've known so long and so well, but that changes almost daily, and I guess always has done.

He still likes to take his time and slack when he can, but he is turning out to be a pretty decent fella, with a well-formed world view and a good attitude.

I hope he has the happiest of days.

Great big pile of shit!

There is something deeply pleasing to look outside of my office window and see the huge, steaming manure pile just across the way.

The complete science of it, simply blows me away.

The biology; the process of feed=shit=fertiliser=growth=life.

The chemistry; the way the gases build and the steaming gets heavier as the week passes.

The physics; seeing the amount there is to be collected and the way the grabber lifts bucket loads, the drifting atoms, the spreading without effort.

I love it.

Just the simple fact that it is an eco-system in itself, makes me feel humble.

Part-man, part cat.

Damn right he's pissed off!

No nads, but for sure a boy.

A look in his eye that says, 'I dare you to mention the matching gloves and booties.'

And my truly heart felt sympathies.

Who did this to the poor fellow?

I want to confirm here and now, that this is not my shaved pussy, and that I have never owned a cat.

I might have wanted to do this to one when I was 6, but this was an adults doing for sure!

I bet he's been beaten up.

Cyclopse the Cat and other Urban Myths

There is a great site www.snopes.com that sorts the wheat from the chaff, in matters of the True vs False images that fly around the superinterwebhighway.

Take a sneaky-peeky at the heart-rending little fellow that this blog is named after, and settle once and for all, questions of authenticity that may (or more likely not) have troubled your sleep, surrounding the likes of such urban myths as the unbelievably unlucky chap who has been branded a complete twat for scratching his nose with a power tool, when in fact, a stray bullet nearly shot his face off!

It's all there, from Disney to Horror (for some, this is the same category) just waiting to be proven or dispelled.

You can find the strangely gorgeous, yet tragically unfortunate Cyclopse, in the Photo Gallery, under 'various animals'.

Go on. Have a look.

Bounce me round the house!

The latest (and possibly the greatest) thing to come out of America, surely?

The BodyBouncer is simply de rigeur in matters of pleasure aids for adults, and I wonder if, like me, you'll wish you'd thought of it first!

I'd like some opinions on this one, my people.........

www.bodybouncer.com

Manna from heaven? Part 2

I've been offered the job at the farm today!

I had a second interview with the seemingly likeable chap that is now my boss, and his wife, and there was just something about the questions they asked, and the answers I felt comfortable enough to give the honest answers to, that made me hope they'd offer me the job after the weekend!

The main moment that stands out, is when we'd had a business type chat for a while, and then he said, 'so is there anything about the situation that you're not sure about so far? and I want you to be honest...'

So I was honest.

Diplomatic, but honest.

I told him and his wife that I was not happy with the state of the office, not the furnishings and trimmings, but the layer of dirt over everything (!) and the look they gave each other was like a weight lifting immediately off my mind, and the solution they came up with was more than I would have hoped for.

The fact is, the woman who has run the office for 8 years is the horsey type who does not mind all the dust and shite you can throw her way.

My new boss and his wife however, as completely horsey as they are, are not like that, and their house is beautiful and immaculate.

They both said that they were really happy that I'd brought it up, and that they want to to completely refurbish the office when 'you....ahem...the new person....joins'!!! LOL! Great little moment of clarity and relief.

They'd had a huge response to their ad and had seen many people, and the call to confirm that I had the job was one of the warmest and exciting I've ever had!

I'm used to getting the jobs I go for, but I will remember the words of the offer for a long time to come!

Maybe it will seem abit big-headed or arrogant sounding to quote it, but I am so chuffed,and it is not intended in any way to sound as such. It's just that the way things turned out with the last job, have been less than cool really. I take my responsibility on the chin, and after the way I just got effectively sacked, I think it must be proven that I'm not unemployable!!

' We'd love it if you'd come and work with us.......I feel it's really important that I have the right person working with me.'

How warm d'ya want it???!!!

There's no grand terms, no pension or health care scheme, no profit share.

But there's horses, and the lovely countryside I live just 10 zippy Smart car minutes from, Argentinian Polo players, dogs, responsibility and expectation placed on my hard won skills, sheep, instant honesty, a welcome, the smell of leather, inclusion in plans, a family run business, with loyal employees, and just to make me feel even more ok with all that, a decent wage.

I'll let you know if this is not a good thing.

Manna from heaven?

The oddest thing has happened today.

I had to return to work after the long Christmas break, and had had a few realisations that I really am not at all happy in the new job.

I worked out over Christmas, what it is I found to be strange about the people I work with, and it's that there has been zero interest in me or my life outside of the job; no questions about my marital status, what my son does, family, nothing.

Now I have no need to be the centre of attention, and in fact, I quite like it when I am allowed to blend in and just get on with it.

But I have never come across such a disinterested bunch.

Nice enough, don't get me wrong, but just not truly personable. They are very into each other, with the shortest served time there being 4 years, and there really is no room for anyone else.

Anyway, I was really depressed for the last few days of the holiday, just dreading having to go back to this sterile environment - I can honestly say, I have rarely disliked a job so much. it wasn't only the cliqueiness of the people, it was also the content of the job - in a word, DULL. I'd been activley searching on the net most of the week, and planned that as soon as something less oppressive and rigid came along, I'd be gone.

I hate to let people down though, and after training me and all that, I would have felt bad.

I went in this morning with a heavy heart, knowing that this was to be my life 5 days a week for the foreseeable.

I did a couple of hours work, and then my boss asked to see me, along with the General Manager.

We sat down, and he confirmed everything I'd been feeling from the people I'd been working with, by saying that he did not feel I fitted in because I am 'too friendly'.

There was also some talk about me having been heard to swear at the Christmas party (which I have zero recognition of, but it turns out was just a very throw away comment to a colleague who was not the least offended, overheard by someone else who 'reported' it!) and that this could be sackable!
I accept this in some ways, but wonder how it holds up in comparison to the story that is legendary in the company, about the young fellow that has worked there for 4 years, who actually puked all over a table of drinks that the boss was sitting at, at one of the Christmas party's.
But the relevance of all that my social indiscretion entails is a bit of a mystery when all is said and done, and I'm fairly confident that this was thrown in the mix as a way of not making it seem like an unfair situation.....which as it turns out, I don't think it is!
I have been allowed to leave right away but can still expect to be paid for the next month, with a reference as to how 'helpful, hard-working and intelligent' I am, and I could not be happier!

I have been so uptight as to how I was going to get out of this sooner rather than later, and really felt I'd have to give it at least a year for the sake of fairness and the old CV.

The relief is just immense.

I already have an interview lined up for tomorrow morning, for a PA position at a very local Equestrian centre.

I'll only panic when and if it's time to panic, but as it stands, I am really happy with the way it's turned out so far!

I knew my big gob was going to do me good one of these days, and really, if being too friendly is what makes me not fit in with those Stepford style robots, that'll do for me.

Sentiments not catered for at Clintons

With the new year come lots of January birthdays, and they are all birthdays of some of my nearest and dearest.

In fact, it begins on 30th December, and then there is at least one birthday every week it seems, until about May!

There is such an array of cards to choose from, and it is guaranteed, even if the buying is left until the very last minute, you can get hold of an appropriate card for births, deaths, marriages, good luck, congratulations, 18th, 21st, Mothers day or Valentine.

But what of the other sentiments that simply must be conveyed?

'Left blank for your own message'?? Not good enough!

There remains a huge gap in the market, and I hope that these little pointers might inspire some of you to at least get your art and craft materials out, and make a card that really says it like it is.

My tire was thumping,I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre...I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder..."What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's lap-dancing and it spoiled your day.
Look on the bright side....it's really good pay.

Snippets and insights

I love the power of words, but I especially love simple words of wisdom.

Sometimes, a phrase or poem can change a persons life. It can inspire them to follow happiness, dignity, even misery I suppose!

I've yet to find my phrase or poem, the one that a person lives by no matter what, or passes on because it feels like it is their own to give away.

But there is a nice little poem, penned by Audrey Hepburn, that was read some years later at her funeral.

These were her beauty tips:

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others

I know little about Ms. Hepburn, but I shall now read her biography and discover whether or not she lived by this philosophy.

There is also a wonderful prayer, written by an anonymous 14th, or more likely, 17th century Nun (two different schools of thought I've found) that I just love;

Lord,

Thou knowest better than I do myself, that I am growing older and will some day be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from the craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my great store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips from aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience.
I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a sureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint – some are hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And give me, Lord, the grace to tell them so.
Amen.

I think it's so insightful, human and humble. And more than a little bit amusing!

Unlike the little prayer my mate said she always recited before bed, which was 'If I die before I wake up, I pray the Lord don't smudge my make-up'.

Not the same thing at all.

Every woman knows, it's a cardinal sin to leave make-up on overnight, so there's just no saving her!!